Members
The Children
| Whitney Cleland | Every man is an artist, and I’m trying to find my medium. | |
| Chad Frame | The term “artsy-fartsy” originated when an art critic noticed that the contrast of his skid marks against the paleness of his briefs reminded him of Andy Warhol.Also, if you scroll down, that’s my hand up Satan’s ass. | |
| Larisa Heiphetz | Once upon a time there existed a person named Larisa. She liked mangoes, British comedy, psychology, sleeping in late, and long walks on the beach. All of these things made her very happy, and since she quite frequently got at least some of them, she was often seen bouncing around campus acting like a delirious five-year-old. | |
Mish Irish |
Not a child, just a problem. | |
| Amy Madison | She’s a massive little pillar of strength. She’s like an overeager chipmunk on a Sunday afternoon. She’s like one of those pirates that doesn’t do anything. Her head is a unit of measurement when folks order pizza. She swears like a sailor. She talks like a kid with candy. She believes in poems that are like collapsing houses. All poems are like that, except when they are not. And so, as you can see, she does believe in poetry and she does believe in you. And also in pirates who don’t do anything. | |
| Marisa Pacella | I love my Wednesday night people. | |
| Christina Pawlikowski | Boo! | |
| Melissa Reichard | Cynical. Nothing but trouble. I fit right in. | |
| Craig Schwartz | Born in an underwater cave used as a hideout for politicians, the persecuted, and the depressed, Craig is the lovechild of Castro, Galileo, and the Trix Rabbit. As such, he was a very problematic child to raise; how do you cope with a boy half dead, half sacrilegious scientist, and six-twelfths vampire rabbit? Oh, nevermind, that was Bunnicula. Dammit. Anyways, when he’s not trying to liberate cereal on a distant planet, he likes to make up words. | |
| Jessica Scott | After trying for five semesters to hijack this little magazine, I have finally succeeded. Next step, the world. | |
Honorary Children
| Ivy League Boy | Because the past tense is “bung.” | |
| Melissa Heinz | Thank you, Melissa, for taking offense to poems concerning sex, drugs, more sex, and the shape of feminine napkins with wings. Your fabled existence has kept us sex-crazed drunks fueled with desire to make like O.J. and search for the real Melissa Heinz. | |
Satan |
Who could resist including this little guy with such a devilish smile. We sure couldn’t. | |
| Sean Misko | As an International Politics major, Sean doesn’t know the difference between iambic and pentameter, but for some reason, he makes cameo appearances to nearly every single meeting, so we gave him his own honorary “Problem Child” status. After all, poems and politics go together like Maya Angelou and Bill Clinton. | |
Members Emeriti
Daniel Anderson |
Dan made the mistake of letting us write his bio for him. So, what can we say about Dan? Dan came to Problem Child after hearing about us while in pursuit of his heterosexual man-crush with a certain No Refund Theatre cast member. Since checking us out, he became a member of not only the staff and editorial board, but also PC’s Jews for Journalism wing. Sadly, Dan has moved on and left us for the world of corporate camping. Though no longer with us, Dan still continues to contribute to the magazine. His pieces are easily identified by the following distinguishing characteristics: masturbatory odes to writing, titles that are complete sentences, and broccoli blow jobs.We miss you, Dan. | |
Joshua Baer |
This is Joshua’s first year as a member of Problem Child. On the road between classes people have heard him singing (to the tune of the “I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a toys’r'us kid” song) “I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a Problem Child….. “, and moments later those same people have heard “MOTHER! It still doesn’t fit!!!” His favorite activities include: going to class… naked, opening jars of pickles… naked, picking up small pieces of trash… naked, listening to N’SYNC… naked, climbing trees… naked, hanging with Graham Spanier.. fully clothed…sexual thoughts the absolute last thing in his mind, and spelling. Quote: “If you want to see God, watch the movie Dogma. She’s wearing a leotard.” | |
| Amy Denholtz | “Vita brevis ars longa” | |
| Caralyn Green | A space cadet with a heart of silver, Caralyn recognizes good poetry but is often too lazy to create her own. She procrastinates. And drinks. A lot. Of Shirley Temples. Ms. Green bites, so don’t mess with Texas. Actually, mess with Texas, please. | |
| Mike Jozkowski | I am a Republican, I don’t know why they all like me. But I like them. | |
| Adam Kapp | Resident old-school PC member and elder editor emeritus Adam Kapp was captain of the U.S.S. Problem Child during production of the spring 2001 issue. Driven to madness by his long tenure in your the group, he seemingly exists only to denigrate the work of others and publish short, nonsensical dramatic works in the surrealist vein. His favorite pokémon is Pikachu and his all-time favorite book is “Bunnicula” by Deborah and James Howe. Beware his word-hoard! | |
| Annalise Kordell | Annalise sprung forth fully formed from the fertile earth of the North Dakota prairie, brandishing her Sword of Verboseness and armed with the great Shield of Apathy. Having served her term as editor/warden, she’s fallen into classic editor emeritus “I come when I feel like it, and you better worship me when I do grace you with my presence, you ingrates” behavior. Despite this, she has nothin’ but love for the chillun’. | |
| Julia Liu | julia like beef jerky and sharpies. they make her happy. | |
| Maureen Mahr | it’s sweet to find my name when I google myself | |
| Angelina M. Michetti | adores shotokan karate-do, bluegrass, and the way sometimes the wind will lift small dogs off the street and throw them into the air. also an avid critic and lives off of the particularly devilish p.c. meetings. | |
| David Newbury | Some would say that David is the soul of Problem Child. Others would say the same thing, and add that Problem Child has no soul. As the tallest member of Problem Child, he stands above all of the other children. He is fond of wearing scarves and strange coats, as well as writing absurdist fiction. His hatred of Jane Austen is legendary. | |
| Jamie Rounds | he was born a small black child in…wait, no. that’s a lie. jamie’s a freshmen in 2001/2002 and enjoys long beaches and walks on piers. he’s a virgo with an aries moon, so don’t mess with this Nino de Problemas! Among other things, he begs the question: if you’re born on the border between the U.K. and France, where is your homeland? Send him viruses at J182. | |
| Ryan Teitman | After a freak accident in a friend’s chemistry lab, mild-mannered English major/Writer Ryan has been changed forever. When angered, Ryan becomes Caustic Ryan, a gigantic blue brute who breaks tables and speaks much too loudly for polite conversation. He has been heard to say on many occasions, “POETRY GOOD, SOCIOECONOMIC CLASS DIVISIONS BAD!” After he calms down, he remembers nothing of the transformation and often wakes up querying, “what happened to my shirt?” He loves dogs, hates peas, and is ambivalent towards dogs eating peas. | |
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Andy Veres
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Hobbies: writing, smoking just about anything that’s legal while drinking coffee and reading, and working myself like a slave at the record label I currently owncurrent occupation: nappingformer occupation: defender of Liberty and Truth valediction to: box-wine (sigh)love to: cigarettes, bobby d., pipe club, and poets who are really trying“I hate myself and want to die.” ~Kurt Cobain, joking about how he was doing. | |
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Bethany Walk
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Bethany Walk was editor of Problem Child during its quest for “official” student organization status years ago. Now she is a librarian. | |
Are you a problem child and not here? E-mail us your bio.
Last modified on April 13, 2008.
