Quotes
Following are quotes, taken quite out of context, that were spoken by staff members during our weekly meetings.
Fall 2007
“I don’t get it but it sounds like I could.”
“‘Orchidaceous,’ like ‘bootilicious!’”
“Bongos are the bane of poetry.”
- “That’s Mish’s official title, she’s the Godfather of Problem Child.”
- “I’ll make a magazine you can’t refuse.”
Fall 2006
“It’s like I really should just get an ‘A’ in the major.” - Kristen
- “Isn’t that what we all want?” - Mish
- “And a dog - I want a dog.” - Kristen- “Breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts, elbow…” - Chad
- “It’s like duck, duck, goose!” - Lisa“It’s Greek ego masturbation.” - Lisa
“Charity hurts, bitches!” - Cory
“I’m looking for disciples.” - Cory
“A brandy snifter is a little sophisticated for college kids. We drink out of mason jars.” - Cory
- “This is vintage because she’s in a dress now.” - Chad O.
- “And barefoot. This is from before we had shoes.” - Mish“They don’t really sound like a ‘problem child,’ it seems like he’s getting along with his mother.” - Chad O.
“We’re up to our nostrils in ox.” - Chad O.
“Just put the umlauts over the ‘A’ in ‘Aquafina,’ it’s a totally different product.” - Cory
“I have no idea what the mating rituals of fireflies are.” - Chad O.
Spring 2006
- “It’s about staying with someone not because you’re dating them but because they’re foxy.”
- “Wow, interpreting the classics with Jessica.”“I love you? What’s that?!”
“Our circle rides the short bus.”
“A butterfly beats its wings and creates a tornado on the page.”
“Are you talking about performance anxiety in public restrooms?”
- “I wish I could do that, stand on top of a bus with a contrail.”
- “It wouldn’t be as cool if you did it.”
- “Why not?”
- “Because you’re not Guy Pearce.”
- “I’m less likely to wear a dress than Guy Pearce is!”“Just because you own a thesaurus doesn’t mean you should use it.”
“I inflated his birthday balloon.”
“It’s especially more depressing because they’re wearing plaid.”
“It’s only libel if it isn’t true.”
“I feel the will to be possums.”
“Anything you wrote would get in because you have an IQ in the positive numbers.”
“Sniff until you find peace.”
“Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s Frozen Coyote.”
- “What does ‘mentholated’ mean?”
- “With menthol.”
- “Oh. Right.”- “The plural of ‘geisha’ is ‘geisha.’”
- “Oh, like ‘deer.’”
- “Yes, geisha are like deer.”- “Polar bears are the only animal that actively hunt humans.”
- “Polar bears drink Coke though.”“Satan in da house! Urban Iceberg. Diggity.”
“I think a piece of me will die when I read this.”
“The rating went up two, but it’s still under five.”
- “I didn’t staple the packet. I thought my staff could handle it.”
- “We thought we had a capable leader.”- “It’s amazing that there’s absolutely no imagery in this.”
- “Even the photo has no imagery.”“Does someone want to read the next piece of pain?”
“Would you really want to title your poem ‘Rain like Swish Pants’?”
“Are you making fun of my birth pasta?”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the gerund club!”
“An eclipse occurs when an atheist comes between the Earth and God.”
“I think, therefore fish sauce.”
- “Mish, what’s ’super trendy’ in Spanish?”
- “Excuse me?”
- “What’s ’super trendy’ in Spanish?”
- “Oh, I thought you said ‘be super trendy and vanish.’”“I kind of like it but I wish it were a picture of something else and had a completely different title, so I guess I’m saying I want something else entirely.”
“The next line is always a surprise.”
Fall 2005
“Soup du jour is clearly a symbol for life, and as the cracker, you must disintegrate in your own life.”
“I don’t like things that end in 14. There has to be a 15.”
“The Bible isn’t really that obscure.”
“Rule #1: You do not talk about mud cake.”
“I think dogs smell like nachos.”
- “Do we want to guess the gender of the author?”
- “I think it’s a guy… Because he’s LOST!”- “What’s a prayer room?”
- “It’s like a walk-in closet.”- “According to Einstein, things rush up to you when you fall.”
- “Oh, the tricky Einstein…”“The sex/car theme had everything but a reference to a tail pipe.”
“Some shifting gears in this poem would be appropriate.”
- “At one point, there’s an alien ship that comes and sucks the sheep up.”
- “I think that’s what this is about.”“The stupid brother is ashamed of the family, he only comes out at night.”
“It’s like when you hear a good song on the radio and it turns out to be a Christian Rock station and you hang your head in shame.”
“What a let down from ‘Brainfuck.’”
“I’m not saying I miss elvin butts or anything.”
“I think America just wrote a poem.”
“Miss Manners recommends the back door?”
“Here comes the comic relief.”
“Cirrus clouds don’t really have ridges.”
- “It’s about groping!”
- “Mish, not everything is about groping.”
- “But this is!”“You know, when you said ‘loving,’ I thought you said ‘lemming’ and how much cooler would it have been if it WERE about lemmings!”
“There’s not much room in this room for it all.”
“Don’t piss off the volcano god.”
“His happy voice is a little disturbing.”
“I’m the perfect voice for a woman. I think of myself as a voluptuous Mayan all the time.”
“They could be pumping gas.”
“That was interesting, and then it rhymed.”
“ASSonance!”
“I kind of wanted them to catch on fire.”
“I want pe-tits!”
“Maybe it’s talking about the Sun god and this is all about worshipping Ra.”
“I like the imagery, but I don’t have any sense of the meaning behind it.”
- “At least it doesn’t rhyme.”
- “What a positive thing to say about a poem.”
- “But there is a “behind/to find…”
- “Oh snap.”“Costume change, post mortem!”
- “I’m offended on several different levels.”
- “Good.”“What starts off as a mostly annoying but mildly appetizing list breaks into good American pastorialism.”
“The first time I used it, it was overused.”
“When I die, this poem will come back to haunt me.”
“Do you remember when God was creative with his plagues? Locusts? Flies? Boils?”
“Your seat was warmed by Satan’s firey ass.”
“Gratuitous old English - I like it!”
“Moving on - Tasty Meat time!”
“It’s refreshingly mediocre.”
“If you think about it, every father is a motherfucker.”
“My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.”
Spring 2005
“I’m Jewish, I’m allowed to laugh at Hilel.”
“I would take a large bottle of mustard to a Winston Churchill reading.”
- “We’re pretty smelly ourselves.”
- “Speak for yourself, little Ms. Stinkerton.”“I think there’s more here that warrants dislike, though.”
“Perhaps Problem Child needs to get laid.”
“It’s got literature, imagery, metaphors… Throw in some zombies and I’m home.”
“He’s got a stacked deck, if you know what I mean. It includes both jokers.”
“It’s like a letter, but it’s not a letter, and it’s freaking me out!”
“They’ve cracked down on sidewalk chalk?”
“Poetry isn’t a paint-by-numbers.”
- “You’re not going to embrace the awesomeness?”
- “I do every once in a while. I hug myself.”“Trix really went downhill when they switched from the little colored balls to the fruit shapes. The balls were better! I liked to put those balls in my mouth!”
“It’s sex ed with Satan!”
“Life is so much more full of toxic waste on the Jersey Shore.”
- “The person who wrote these poems sent a note saying they’re about Seasonal Affective Disorder.”
- “You know, some people collect toe nails. Or Scabs. Not write about SAD.”“Red is also the color of love.”
- “I like it because it’s about plastic surgery and plastic surgery is funny.”
- “Oh that Botox, haw haw haw!”“We need plastic surgery on this poem.”
“On the one hand, I’m trying to deconstruct domesticity. On the other hand, here’s some muffins.”
“Fours are like gold stars!”
“I think kumquats are under-painted.”
“Suck Wounds, coming soon to a theatre near you, sequel to Deep Throat.”
“Is Jesus still dead? I mean, he didn’t come back did he? Do we have a Bible 2 yet?”
“I think my church might be woodwind free.”
- “Dan, I would be sad if you died.”
- “That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.”“It’s not a warm fuzz, it’s a mildly cool fuzz, like a peach. This poem makes me feel like a peach, and kind of hungry.”
“It’s weird when you assess the contents of your backpack and you find a binder, notebook, pencil, two cheeseburgers, Satan….”
- “#4, Satan, get all over it.”
- “He’s going to do something all over it.”“If he had another pair of pants, he’d have to change into them right now.”
“Look! It’s a puppy!”
- “It’s like a Disney movie.”
- “Yea, a Disney movie that horribly mutilates itself.”
Fall 2004
“So I guess Hitler’s choice to be vegetarian wasn’t so moral after all.”
“Oh no, there’s sex, just not together.”
“You just pushed the love button.”
“If I were a used condom, I’d feel like taking a shower.”
- “Do people really send naked pictures of themselves over the internet?”
- “Yes.”
- “That was a really quick yes.”“And hey! Naked!”
- “They’re in a place they obviously don’t want to be in.”
- “Orientation activities!”“The word ‘fingertips’ appears in poetry often and I don’t know why.”
“I circled every cliché poetry word they used.”
“So weather conditions are overdone, but fascist dictators are still fertile ground?”
“Knees are killed. Body parts, dead.”
“Knowing us, we’ll be too busy implying that ’screwing in a light bulb’ is a sexual statement describing an orgy confined in a GE bulb.”
“The one person you can’t give a shout out to is Hitler.”
“I love butt.”
“I’m glad we switched from Hitler to Shakespeare.”
“I’m a really bad reader out louder.”
“Why would you grease your back hair?”
“When the toilet flushed, did it feel like it was trying to suck you down into it?”
- “I’m picturing a mechanical bull….”
- “For that image alone, I’m giving it a 4.”“I think I like the readers more than that. You seem to want to abuse the readers.”
- “They had never heard of LJ. If you came up to someone and asked to borrow a sweater and they didn’t know what a sweater was, wouldn’t you be surprised too?”
- “Yeah, LJ pretty much is a sweater.”- “They need to take all the ‘hypothetically speaking’s out of it.”
- “Yeah… But I do like the last stanza.”
- “That’s because it doesn’t have ‘hypothetically speaking’ in it.”“Maybe he just thinks he should write about writing poems too.”
“Detonate, swan! Detonate!”
“You’re in the nursery school of me and you forgot your carpet square.”
“If you’ve never met a pregnant woman, they don’t dance.”
“I don’t know if deterioration can get worse, but metaphors can.”
“You lost me somewhere at ‘moo.’”
“Problem Child needs a weather man. It’d go something like, 35% chance of bad poem.”
Spring 2004
“It’s a creative complaint.”
- “Maybe it’s metaphorically barren.”
- “That was really deep. Like the stagnant lake.”“‘Down There It Always Burns….’ or, my battle with Chlamydia.”
“This is definitely the cream filling in this entire Twinkie of a packet.”
“Don’t blame them for your ignorance!”
“He’s still laughing at my ‘throbbing manhood.’”
- “It’s pink snow, as opposed to yellow.”
- “Right, as my dad pissed on the coyote.”
- “That is the ultimate triumph!”- “And clouds!”
- “How about 8th graders in clouds?”
- “What if you threw them out a window into a cloud!”“They’re two of my favorite smells.”
“Sometimes the film is better than the boy.”
“You offer a couple of hours. You may only give them a couple minutes.”
- “Why ‘Tuesday, Noontime?’”
- “Why not?”“Oh! I really am a dingleberry!”
“I thought this was a real transcription.”
“I’ve been waiting for someone to write a poem about Runts my entire life.”
- “Has anyone ever used Runts as fangs?”
- “Not in public.”“I gave some guy a blow job and my face stayed that way.”
“She said we were like the king and queen of Problem Child. Which one’s which?”
“If you’re ever in a staring contest, the best way to win is to drop your pants.”
“I like to turn these poems into gospels.”
“If it were the Terminator bringing the package, I’d love it!”
“It started off poetically, and then went insane!”
“So this is how Vegetales came about.”
“It’s not sex, but yeah. More ass.”
“It turns out they were brainwashed and didn’t even know it.”
“More fucking sidewalk, yes!”
“It’s like a haiku on steroids.”
- “I say veto a second reading.”
- “I believe what you say.”“I don’t have anything against it, I think it’s well written. But there’s no… clouds.”
“I don’t want to put this in the magazine, but I want to put Chad on the CD.”
“That’s how melodrama works, which is kind of what she was doing - assuming it was a she because it was pregnant…”
- “She doesn’t seem really angry at him.”
- “Except for the time she calls him a dick.”“We just need to do a line and then we’d be right back in this thing.”
“I like how it can be self-indulgent and codependent at the same time.”
“It could be a crossdresser…”
“Squirrels in the wall! There are squirrels in the wall!”
“Like popcorn Problem Child!”
“I’m Jewish, I’m attracted to the neurotic.”
“‘Bare-chested’ is hyphenated, not dashed, asshole.”
“It’s like a really big pool, but it’s only three inches deep.”
- “We’re all turning into Dan here.”
- “Thanks, guys. You’re absolutely right.”“There’s a nugget of goodness in a stew full of crap.”
- “Mike, you’ve never been nothing but a sweetheart to me.”
- “Aw, Dan, you make me feel all warm inside.”
- “That’s the erection.”“What’s better? Cucumbers or Pepsi?”
- “Texas has the highest teen pregnancy rate.”
- “I have nothing to do with that.”“I’ll assume it’s a he because there are balls.”
“I’m being incredibly sarcastic. Dan does that. Learn to recognize it.”
“That’s how to use giggle factor effectively.”
“Are you a poet? Do wheelbarrows have any significance in your life?”
“I’ve lived my entire life banking on the fact that cute is enough.”
“It’s a dash with flourish!”
“I get the feeling it’s not about a buffet line.”
“He doesn’t have a terminal illness, he’s just graduating!”
“It might as well be a Teddy Graham. I’m only saying that because I want them when you’re done.”
“If your tears were Teddy Grahams, we’d all be better off.”
“They try to make it sexy, minus the ’supplicating.’”
“Aww, the Republicans agree.”
- “I was inserting and de-serting tables like mad and decided to screw that.”
- “De-serting?”
- “It’s kind of like ’supplicating,’ unsexy but versatile.”- “Must everything exist in its extreme?”
- “It must, in its extreme suckage.”
Fall 2003
“A true friend is one who brings you citrus”
“I never wear white shoes, eat purple candy, or take a shot with my left hand.”
“I’m your friendly neighborhood kosher garbage disposal.”
“I think this is an allegory.”
“Maybe the cloud is HIV and AIDS is the rain.”
“Looking at gay clouds? He’s so trying to get on the ground.”
“They’re speckled….”
“Whoever’s writing this poem should do a little more research.”
-”Is fog dusty? Or just misty?”
-”It can be dusty.”
-”That would be smog.”“I did have a favorite part of this poem and that was when it was over.”
“‘Cloud’ is the magic word!”
-”This author took the time to write this in order to communicate a meaning to readers or himself…what was that?”
-”Clearly Iowa gang warfare!”-”Well, Wednesday is hump day so Tuesday must be fuck day.”
-”Thursday is Must See TV, so they’re not doing it then!”“I sort of applaud the non-fictional poem.”
-”Maybe they just made up a word, like Shakespeare.”
-”This is Shakespeare?”“That’ll be our next ice breaker, we’ll get everyone to imitate a foghorn.”
“Where’s Marxist poetry when we need it?”
“I’m a weak Jewish white boy!”
-”I feel like it should be a break-up poem…”
-”Or a Hallmark card!”“They’re outside the window but they want to go to the window so they can see outside?”
-”Can anyone see Janis Joplin reading this?”
-”I think she did.”“I think they were getting frustrated with, eh, the enormous chain of words.”
“Problem Child just had its first commercial. We had a reading and went to commercial break.”
-”I thought it was boring.”
-”Well, C., I don’t care what you say.”-”It even has transitions and chinchillas!”
-”And it has 4th grade sex fiends.”
-”Yes! And chinchillas!”“What if it had said ‘I am not the clouds?’”
“Meanwhile… back at the second stanza….”
“Barnyard Butt Bingo, that could be a fundraiser, and it’s themed!”
“I got literarily blue-balled.”
-”They’re asking deep philosophical questions- ”
-”Well, they’re trying to ask deep philosophical questions.”
-”Right, as evidenced by the fact that I don’t get it.”“This poem gave me blue balls in no way any woman ever could.”
“I’m telling you, I’m starting to miss the clouds.”
“If I wanted a Hallmark card, I’d have spent two dollars down at McLanahan’s and not come to Problem Child. Suck my dick.”
“M., if you wet yourself, I’m going to tease you forever.”
“At least it does something other than tick me off.”
“And actually, K., incidentally, I think we all know you want some.”
“It’s like breaking down crap into smaller pieces of crap. It’s still crap.”
“This could be continued.”
“This is a Spinal Tap song.”
“The title in fact does not mark the spot.”
D.: “This is some funky brown acid.”
Everyone else: “Noooo…”
D: “Please let me think this is drugs!”“I’ve got this covered like a jimmy hat.”
“It made me hungry, which really disturbs me. I want a big pile of brain goop now.”
“If only you could use commas as verbs, they’d be set.”
“It name drops!”
“She’s not a Puerto Rican nun!”
“Don’t die, D. I’d be bored.”
“Yes, a cunninlinguist joke. Definitely hetero.”
-”I have licorice in my mouth.”
-”Which is exactly how it should be read.”“You didn’t grope anything that didn’t need groping.”
-”It’s so wonderfully masturbatory.”
-”Are you going to go read this alone?”“Read, monkey, read!”
“It’s the look of ‘no.’”
-”Oh say can you seeeee-”
-”By the bomb’s early light.”“I request that the second reader omit the ellipses.”
“It would be cool if they got shot in the poem.”
“There’s no breaking in that dream.”
“I’m too tired to go again.”
-”The light is a whore.”
-”Yeah, it touches me all over.”“Teddy Bear didn’t do shit.”
“It’s not false advertising, there are trees.”
“Maybe he’s a cactus, did anyone consider that?”
“It’s like if Dr. Seuss were the lead singer of Black Sabbath.”
2002-2003
- “The author doesn’t have to hit us over the head with the meaning of the piece. It should be subtle, it should flutter.”
- “Well, it’s not called ‘poetry flutter,’ it’s ‘poetry slam!’”“You can’t just throw that fruit around.”
“I like that I have toes.”
“For a poem about not talking, it’s very wordy.”
“It’s because the early Renaissance poets also had trouble with Microsoft Word.”
“Pain. We laugh.”
“Volunteers! Changing the future!”
“If we’re talking about licorice, we might as well be talking about #42.”
“Lo, the grass is greener on the other side. Damn the electric fence!”
“Apparently you have to act.”
“Deep thoughts. Oh well.”
“Images and words, together! With our powers combined!”
“I’ll give peace a chance but I won’t give this piece a chance.”
“This poem would have been a whole lot cooler if ‘irony-laden’ had read ‘Iron Maiden.’”
“If you turn it sideways, it’s almost like a sine wave. Or a cosine wave. Or a wave.”
“Nothing should ever menstruate from your mouth.”
“That’s standard psychedelic imagery.”
“Two thirds ellipses!”
“If you don’t know where your soul is and you’re not sure if it’s coming back, it’s safe to say it’s lost.”
“This poet is struggling with real existential issues.”
“The elite force they’re talking about is the Honors College.”
“Your relationship with your pet is perfectly normal to us.”
“I’ve been listening to Canadian folk music!”
“Verbs weren’t popular.”
“Someone learned all the techniques of poetry and used them.”
“This poem is the reason Zoloft was invented.”
“Suicide notes are poorly written.”
“There was a countdown and then it still wasn’t over.”
“They should spend more time doing lines than writing them.”
“It makes me want to eat a frisbee.”
“Do you use tongue?”
“‘Awww’ doesn’t always get a 4.”
“You don’t find a Butterball turkey by the off ramp.”
- “Not only do I assign gender, I assign authorship. Just so you know, you’re a female James Joyce, figuratively.”
- “Just so you know, I’m figuratively wet.”“You guys are like Beavis and Butthead, only the female version.”
2001-2002
“This is SO 2001!”
“This begs the question, can we see?”
“Unfortunately the verb ‘blow’ here is wasted.”
“Mediocrity is mediocrity no matter how pretty you try to make it.”
“Are you a poet? Have you lost your Israel?”
“We all sound like we’re German.”
“You’re at the wrong meeting.”
“I like people who like death.”
“You start really getting pissed off at the poem at this point.”
“Shitholes don’t usually have windows.”
“It’s poetry about something normal.”
“Mr. Weiner, Mr. Wood? A psych paper has turned into really bad porn.”
“And the little stickers they put on fruit?”
“Nothing like that cool Snyder’s flavor.”
“You could get better advice from the pharmacy attendant at CVS.”
“It’s not in the shape of a tampon.”
“It’s not! It’s not a sonnet! It’s not a sonnet!”
“I hate being rubbed……the wrong way.”
“‘S’ is for ’sickness,’ yo! Suck it!”
“That line definitely had 13 syllables.”
“Yeah! Aim it at Annalise!”
“‘Love Taps…’ Nevermind, I’m a guy.”
“It’s mahogany, it’s one of my favorite woods.”
- “Fun Fact of the Day! Gravity always wins.”
- “But what if you die in space?”
- “You will eventually be sucked toward something sometime.”
- “Even if you’re way deep-”
- “No, gravity will always win.”
- “Well, then, what is winning?”“The whole irony of the term ‘bone’ is that there is no bone.”
“I love trash talking poets.”
“He should explain how this ties into the rapture and shit.”
“It’s like a doodle gone totally cool.”
“It’s pretty ostentatious to plagiarize the Bible.”
“It should be prose. I think people get into poem mode and just like to hit return a lot.”
“I DO speak English.”
“If you write long enough, you’re bound to write something decent.”
“Who is this addressed to? God? He doesn’t care!”
“It’s like the sorostitute-in-training story.”
“You can still find the frat boy of your dreams.”
“How can you be afraid of anyone if they’re on a pogo stick?”
“Hey! Break a leg! I did.”
“Cats are better than moms.”
